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Love Flavored Latte - Chapter 28
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“Ever since that incident, Matt’s been pretty insecure about his trust for others.”
That very thought had been lingering in Ray’s mind ever since Matt’s graduation day, which was two weeks ago. He had a very thoughtful expression as he silently looked at Matt, who was happily talking to someone on the phone.
Mr. Parker’s words had truly changed the way Ray viewed Matt’s smile. That cheerfulness on his face and that gleam in those brown eyes, was there really pain hidden behind them? What hurt him so much that he lost trust in people, afraid to confide in anyone other than his family? The one who always lightened up Ray’s days, was he also carrying bitter secrets that he couldn’t bring himself to tell others? Those questions had been bothering Ray for a very long while, and the longer he left them unsolved, the more they seemed to pique his curiosity.
But the real problem here was how he could get Matt to talk about this naturally. He had yet to tell Matt that his father knew he was more than Matt’s professor, and even if he had, this wasn’t something he could just bring up out of the blue. From the look of it, it sounded quite serious. In fact, it might be so serious that his boyfriend didn’t dare to recall it.
“You’ll have to ask him yourself. But I’ll tell you this—this incident was what made him come out to his family.”
By saying that, was Mr. Parker dropping a hint about how to mention it without making him look suspicious? Regardless of whether or not it was on purpose, he had indeed helped Ray figure out how to do it. Taking a deep breath, he sat down at the edge of the bed next to Matt, who had just ended the call.
“Oh, Ray, you’re done with your work already?” Matt turned over to him. “That was quick.”
“Well…” Ray trailed off before wrapping his arm around the other’s shoulders, pulling him close to him. “There’s not much work today and I can’t wait to join you on the bed anyway.”
“Then you must’ve been waiting because of my long call. I’m sorry.” Matt chuckled, not minding one bit that his head was resting on Ray’s shoulder. “My mom’s been telling me over and over again to introduce you to the family soon.”
The comfy snuggling had almost made Ray forget the important objective for tonight. He pretended to laugh nervously, since he was sure Mr. Parker hadn’t disclosed the news yet. “H-Have you told her you’re actually dating your professor?”
“No, not yet.” Matt chuckled. “I plan to make this a big surprise. Gosh, I’m laughing just by imagining the look on my parents’ face when you show up as my boyfriend.”
Ray stayed quiet for a moment to think carefully about his next move. “That aside, your family do support you a lot, don’t they?”
“Huh?” Matt asked with his eyebrow raised.
“They have no problem with your sexuality and fully support you to the end.”
Ray took a few more seconds to try to calm his racing heart down, mentally prepapring himself for the moment that would surely bring a drastic change to the cozy atmosphere in the room.
“Say, this makes me wonder how you came out.”
On Ray’s face was an innocently curious look, but what was actually in his mind was guilt and worries. As expected, Matt was silent, his eyes glancing away and a thoughtful expression visible on his face. In fact, there was a clear hint of fear in those brown eyes that always shone so beautifully. There was no doubt that Ray felt bad for bringing this up now.
“You tell me first.”
Matt’s quick reply caught Ray off guard, but what startled him more was Matt’s sudden change in attitude. In a matter of seconds, Matt had already returned to his usual self, looking up at the other with playful eyes. Usually, that should have made things better, but its effect was the opposite this time. It had instead caused Ray to feel even worse, because it meant whatever Matt had gone through had left such a big scar on him that he didn’t dare talk about it easily.
“Hey, I asked you first, you know.” Ray went with the flow, hiding the sadness in his eyes.
“But you started it.”
Matt chuckled cheekily, still trying to mask the pain that he wasn’t willing to show. This was one of those moments where Matt’s cheerfulness hurt Ray, but he had no choice other than to pretend that he knew nothing. Besides, it seemed that Matt wouldn’t talk about it until he did. He was probably trying to buy some more time to gather up some courage, so maybe hearing Ray’s story would help him feel less afraid.
“Okay, but promise me you’ll tell me your story after I tell you mine.”
Matt gave Ray a slight nod and the latter took a deep breath.
“So, you remember my ex, Aaron? This happened after I broke up with him…”
…__________…
“Ray, can you explain how to solve this question again?”
The thirteen-year-old girl raised her head up, her eyes turning away from the notebook to look at her brother. When she received no reply, she furrowed her eyebrows. It wasn’t like she was annoyed because her brother didn’t answer her, but it was rather because he looked like he was hiding something from her. Ray rarely lost focus no matter what he was doing, but recently, he had been caught spacing out quite often. This had lasted for more than two weeks and she didn’t like it one bit. Not only that, but he also looked more and more tired as each day went by. His weary eyes weren’t what one should consider normal. Yes, he had had sleepless nights whenever he had an exam coming up, but he had never been drained to the point that he seemed… devastated.
“Ray!”
“Huh?” The girl’s aggressive tone was what finally snapped Ray out of his thoughts. “Oh, R-Riley, you scared me.”
“You’re the one who’s scaring me, Ray!”
Riley’s sudden loud voice startled her brother greatly.
“Wh-What are you talking about?”
“Stop pretending, Ray! I know you’re hiding something and it’s driving me crazy!” Riley’s chocolate brown eyes looked straight into his blue ones as she spoke. “You keep spacing out when you usually don’t, you have that tired look on your face, and, and—”
She stuttered, doing her best to force the words to come out of her mouth as she put her hand on Ray’s cheek.
“And you’ve been crying a lot lately, haven’t you?”
Her voice was clear and her words were firm, her eyes locked into her brother’s red ones. He didn’t know how to answer her or how to even react in this situation. No matter how much he wanted to deny what she was saying, he couldn’t bring himself to. In fact, he was actually impressed by how she was able to notice his strange behaviors so quickly. That, or his pain was just obvious.
If his relationship with Aaron had ended simply because things weren’t working out between them, then this break-up wouldn’t have been so distressing. Aaron cheated on him just because he wasn’t willing to have sex yet, but that wasn’t the only thing he did. That amber-eyed boy, he had cruelly let out hurtful words that seemed to have etched into Ray’s mind forever, weighing him down immensely. What was he supposed to do to please this unreasonable person? Was it really wrong of him for not agreeing to do it, for wanting to keep this relationship pure until he was prepared? For the second time, someone dated him just because they wanted something from him. A happy relationship based on mutual and genuine feelings, was it really too much to ask for?
“So you noticed…?” He found it pointless trying to argue with his sister, who had been quiet all the while she waited for him to say something. “Yeah, I… do have some secrets.”
“And they are…?”
Once again, Ray had a hard time finding the right words, which made him pause for a while. “You might hate me for this. Do you still want to hear it?”
“Please, I don’t care what it is, just tell me. I really don’t like seeing you like this.” Her tone turned soft, though the firmness never left it. “If you want me to keep this a secret, I’ll do it. I promise.”
Ray took in a deep breath before finally letting out the words he had been keeping to himself for a very long time. “I’m, I’m gay…”
He let a few seconds pass to see if there was any response from his sister. None. There was no reply from Riley, though it wasn’t that surprising to him. What he had just confessed wasn’t something one could just say out loud easily.
“I discovered my true sexuality way back in middle school, when I realized I liked a guy in the same class as me. He didn’t like me back and I was upset about it,” he continued when Riley showed no sign that she had anything to say. “I had my first boyfriend in eighth grade, but he broke up with me not long after, saying he only dated me because I was popular.”
No word could be heard from Riley yet again, and Ray now felt hesitant to continue talking. But he had no other choice than to do it because the uncomfortable quietness was beginning to sneak in between them.
“Just a few months ago, a popular guy transferred to my school and we started dating.” His body started to shake. “But later on, when I refused to sleep with him, he began to pester me. He didn’t get what he wanted, so he ch-cheated on me.”
Silence washed over the room, making the atmosphere even heavier than it already was. Riley’s eyes was glued to the floor, her mouth not uttering a single word. What was possibly on her mind, Ray desperately wished to know. His heart was beating uncontrollably, sweats beginning to form on his forehead. He felt breathless as the increasing pressure ever so slowly killed him on the inside.
“You’re right, this makes me hate you.”
Riley’s tone was quiet, yet her words hit Ray hard. He had no idea why he was so shocked at what she had just muttered. If he had already guessed she would detest him in the first place, why did he feel so hurt? Was he seriously hoping that she would give him kind and encouraging words? If every single person on Earth had been able to accept someone for their sexuality, coming out wouldn’t have been so difficult. Her not telling anyone about this was already enough, so maybe he shouldn’t ask for more.
“I-It’s okay, Riley… After all, I’m not hoping—”
“I hate you because you didn’t tell me about this sooner!”
She shouted, breaking the scary silence that had been surrounding them the whole time.
“I don’t care if you’re gay, bi, pan, whatever! You are you, my brother, and nothing will change that!” Her brown hair slightly sway with her quivering body. “I’m angry because I can’t believe you’ve kept this away from me for so many years! Even if I couldn’t help, I, I could’ve at least lent you an ear. You wouldn’t have suffered all by yourself like this!”
Riley, she had always been a strong girl. She never appeared weak no matter what. She knew how to stay tough in every situation, even when she was pained very badly, both physically and mentally.
Ray could still remember when she was still in kindergarten, she almost never cried. No matter how many times she tripped and fell, no matter how many scratches she got, she just stood up, said nothing and asked an adult to help her tend to her wounds. There was also this time when a classmate purposely hurt her in third grade. Out of jealousy, the other girl in question tried to belittle her because Riley got higher grade than her in Math. To the teacher’s surprise, Riley’s reaction was completely unexpected – she stood there in silence, waiting for that girl to finish before giving her a short “okay”, turning away afterward with a carefree attitude. When asked if she felt sad at all, she just replied: “I got my grade on my own. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I care about her mean words?”
Her strong personality was what made her stand out among the other kids her age, yet here she was, crying because of her own brother. Tears rolled down her cheeks, her hands gripping the hem of her shirt.
“I-Idiot… You’re an idiot… H-How dare you hide this from me all these years…?”
She mumbled between sobs, her eyes still down. Each drop of tears fell from her chin and down her shirt, leaving stains on it, but it did not bother her one bit. All that she cared right now was her brother, who just admitted having hidden big secrets from her. She herself wasn’t even sure exactly why she was so furious. Maybe something about this gave her the thought that she was unable to do anything to help him.
Ever since she was young, her brother had always been there for her whenever she needed it. Playing with her at home, helping her with her homework, listening to problems that she couldn’t tell their parents… it was Ray who had been by her side all these years. On his face was always a gentle and caring look, and a positive smile could be found on his lips every time he comforted anyone, whether it be her, his friends or himself. She extremely looked up to him because of that, as well as many other good things about him. So when she saw his long-lasting dejected state, she immidately knew something was definitely not right, even if he denied it when questioned by their parents.
“If you ever have anything bothering you, just come to me, alright? Keeping all your troubles to yourself won’t be good for your health,” that was what Ray had repeatedly told her. He was someone that she could unhesitantly confide in, and she wanted to return the favor. She wished to do the same for him, to help him relieve his doubts. Therefore, right at this moment, she thought of herself as powerless and weak. Her brother had done so much for her, yet she was incapable of making his pain and suffering go away.
“I’m sorry, Riley…”
A hand was placed on her head and she slowly looked up to see that same kind smile on his face. His eyes still held a worn out look, but relief had replaced the agony in them.
“I was afraid you’d hate me for being gay, so I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I’m very sorry for doubting you,” Ray said as he rubbed her head. “Thank you so much for accepting me, I feel much better now.”
As his hand wiped her tears away, she stared at him for a few moments before showing him a small yet delightful smile. She wrapped her arms around him and he gladly accepted the hug.
“Are you telling the truth? Do you really feel better now?”
“I do, and it’s all thanks to you, Riley,” he said in a calm voice, patting her back as he did. “So don’t cry anymore, alright?”
The tension had all gone away, but one question remained in the little girl’s mind.
“Ray, are you going to… tell Mom and Dad?”
At that time, Ray wasn’t certain about his answer himself. He had said he would tell his parents after his eighteen birthday, but as the day in question got closer and closer, he somehow felt reluctant to actually do it. It was really harder than he had thought, no matter how much he had mentally prepared himself. “Just approach them, come out, then let fate decide their reaction. Don’t be nervous. You’re eighteen now, so you can just dissapear from their life if they hate you,” that was what he had repeated in his head for the umpteenth time already. But in reality, it wasn’t that easy. The moment he stepped into the living room, his heart started to thump rapidly in his chest and his body tensed up, slightly shaking. However, there was no going back now. He couldn’t go on hiding this forever.
“Mom, Dad…”
“What is it, Ray?” his mom said as she turned her eyes away from the television, his dad following suit. It was time to say something, but his body wasn’t listening to his mind. No word came out despite how hard he tried. It was as if his mouth was sealed shut, completely incapable of uttering a word as his eyes glanced back and forth anxiously. Seemingly able to notice this, his mother spoke in a gentle voice.
“Honey, don’t worry, just relax. Whatever you have to say, we’ll listen to the end.”
I don’t know if you can actually do it in this case… the unhappy thought crossed his mind, sweats starting to form on his face. The anxiety was eating him alive. He felt so frightened that he could actually run off at any second, but then a hand was placed on his arm. It was his sister who was standing beside him. She gave him an encouraging look, nodding slightly in the process. Silently thanking Riley, he took a deep breath and finally talked.
“I’m, I’m coming out as gay.”
The words weren’t as seamless as planned, but at least he had managed to do it in the end. Now came the moment he had feared—the moment he awaited his parents’ reaction. They didn’t shout, they didn’t say a single word of dissapproval or anything of the sort. They were just… silent, sitting there still and looking at him wordlessly. The unsettling silence engulfed the room, making each second feel like an eternity.
Unlike what Ray had wished, he actually wanted to be screamed at right now. No matter how bad it could get, it was definitely better than having to deal with his parents’ unreadable expression. Were they confused? Was this so sudden that they didn’t have time to decide how to react? Or were they feeling disgusted and getting ready to declare that he was no longer their son?
That last question brought Ray back to the scenario that seemed to have been engraved in his mind for ages. Ever since he discovered his sexuality, his parents’ angry face had always succeeded in making him shiver whenever he imagined it. In fact, he would be horrified to the point that he would stop whatever he was doing. It was the fear he was forever unable to get rid of, and the silence just seemed to make it even scarier.
Briefly glancing upward, negative words started to race through his panicking mind at the sight of the two adults’ perplexed look. Right, maybe they were really disgusted. Maybe they were trying to calm their anger down but were gradually failing. Maybe they were thinking about how they could throughoutly express their absolute resentment towards him. Those thoughts ever so slowly took over his mind, controling what he said next.
“I won’t blame you for hating me, because I’m not asking you to accept me. I’ll pack up and move out right away, you don’t need to tell me to.”
Having let out those words, he turned on his heels, shooting a sad goodbye smile at Riley as he did. His steps were quick, but they immediately halted when his dad’s voice was heard.
“Hold on, what are you trying to do?”
“I’m going to my room to pack up.” He turned his head back and replied with a quiet voice, still trying to sound tough despite the fact that he had already broken down on the inside.
“Ray, what are you getting at?”
There was a tiny glimpse of hope blooming in the young boy’s heart, but as he had told himself, never get your hopes up. “Dad, I’m eighteen and I have a job. I’ll be fine on my own.”
His dad let out a small sigh after thinking for a few seconds, a hint of disbelief in his eyes. “You talk as if we’re kicking you out or disowning you. You’re not a criminal who deserves to be hated, so why are you making yourself look like one?”
Ray was silent, doing his best to comprehend what the other man was implying.
“Ray, what have you ever done to make us hate you?” his mom spoke with a softer voice. “You’re a good son, a good brother, a good student and a good person in general. We’re not going to forget all those good natures of yours just because you’re gay.”
Ray found himself stunned to the point that he was unable to grasp what he was hearing. In fact, he was unsure whether or not his ears were tricking him. This truly went beyond his imagination. It was something he would not dare think of, as he was afraid that his positivity might get crushed by reality later on.
“Honey, your sexuality’s not going to change who you are. You like boys, you go on liking boys, and we’ll never judge you for it. You’re still my son regardless.”
His mom’s reassuring words overwhelmed him emotionally, but in a good way. All those negative and pessimistic things he had said to himself had vanished and were replaced by pleasant and happy feelings—the feelings of being loved, supported and appreciated. His parents were known to be kind to others, but it was at this moment that he truly understood how incredibly understanding they could be. His parents didn’t treat his sexuality like something shameful. Instead, they saw it as something completely normal. It was exactly what he needed right now, and tears soon formed in the corners of his eyes.
Before he knew it, everyone had gathered around him and pulled him into the warmest hug he had ever had.
…__________…
“That’s… honestly very kind of them.” Matt seemed to be a little stunned at how wholesome his boyfriend’s story was. “No wonder you’re so sweet.”
“Alright, you can stop teasing me now.” Ray chuckled shyly at Matt’s mischievious grin, his fingers running through his brown locks. “But really, to this day, I still can’t believe things actually worked out.”
“So…” Matt trailed off as he scratched the back of his head. “It’s my turn, isn’t it?”
“That’s right. You promised, after all.”
Once more, Ray put on a smirk, trying to appear playful as if he couldn’t read Matt’s expression. There was a gloomy look on Matt’s face again, his eyes looking down in a dejected manner. Even his hands were seen gripping the hem of his shirt tightly as he gulped. He knew he couldn’t hold this off any longer.
“Well, my story’s a bit… sad.”
He took a deep breath before continuing.
“I had to change school because of it.”