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Man Of Probabilities - Chapter 41
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Shinobu Naoyuki’s POV
That day when I received the documents from the investigator I hired some time ago, the things I have tried to forget came all flooding back to me.
As I looked silently while reading the report about Makino’s death, I hold back my tears for all I can but in the end, I cannot stop myself from crying for having my heart shattered into pieces again.
The next day, I decided to come to the place where his dying place was to see him after so many years.
Without proper a proper goodbye or moving on, I have to bravely face the truth alone. I have to completely let you go now and show you that I am already happy, that I can make it through without making you worry because now, I know that I am completely in love with someone else.
You were the one who told me that life is always full of goodbyes and sadness that will make my heart shatter into pieces and it’s alright because the good part about it is that with that shattered pieces, I can find the perfect person who will patiently collect all the shards and put them back together. I really thought that it was you but you end up being the best person in shattering my heart.
The way you suddenly disappeared and how I was left alone maybe a curse that made me close my heart from loving someone just like the way I loved you before but that curse was already broken not so long ago.
I may not be able to love someone the same way I loved you but I believe that I can love Kazuya more than I have loved you before.
Makino… I really wished that if you will be ever reborn in this world, I want you to have a good life and a happy ending. Thank you for teaching me how to love and giving the light that guide me to where I am now.
I’m sorry if I tried to bury you in my memories and tried to forget everything about you, I promise that you will always remain as an important part of my life.
The time that I have waited for your reply to my confession finally came to an end. If ever that your answer was actually an acceptance then I am glad that you felt the same way but that’s the end for us.
I promise that I will give all the love Kazuya deserved in this world.
It’s time to finally let you go.
I took out the letter that he made for me that he supposedly planned to send after a few weeks of him being away from the city but in the end, it took almost 10 years to reach me.
I take a look at it for the last time and hugged it tightly in my chest as I tried to imagine his presence before finally letting go.
I ignited a match and started burning the letter and watch as it slowly burn and turn to ash and swept away by the wind.
I love you and goodbye.
….
I went straight to the orphanage after I have seen a note written at the back of an old photo hidden in Makino’s grave.
Although everything seems obvious to me that I finally figured out a detail that I’ve been avoiding since the begining, I felt nervous walking inside the orphanage to talk with the director about Kazuya.
Everything is going well and normal just like how I anticipated to hear but when the director mentioned about him being a baby in a blue blanket when he was found, a blurry memory from my childhood flash before my eyes.
Kazuya was really that baby I found when I was a kid. The baby whom Makino has been searching for all his life was actually found by me from the very beginning.
And everytime we meet, I can see different probabilities.
I can still remember the day when I first saw Kazuya. It was the day before New Year’s eve when I decided to eat in a small restaurant.
I sat down in a table at the corner and as I casually finishing my meal, my eyes caught a glimpse of someone who is somewhat familiar but I can’t clearly remember who.
I watched him as he tried to call someone from his phone and something came up when he suddenly walk out and started a fight with a passerby.
After the commotion have ended, I unconsciously followed him and I don’t the reason why.
I keep my distance as I watched him walk alone with injuries and suddenly a Probability came up to me.
Probabilities of that person Dying Today: 50%
I was shocked as a saw that and so I started to get closer until the rain started to pour.
He still continued to walk without caring about anything until I saw a fast car approaching from a short distance and without a doubt, that will be the reason of the 50% probabilities of him dying and so I called out to him to stop him from walking towards the road.
“Hey! Are you crazy drenching yourself while walking in a cold road? Do you want to die so badly?!” I shouted while walking towards him to shelter him from the rain.
He didn’t respond and just stared at me with his sad eyes and so I dragged him away from the dangerous road and watched as the fast car passed by safely away from us.
When I brought him inside a convenience store, he was still in daze and so I decided to lend him my handkerchief to wipe all the blood and tears in his face.
As I held out the handkerchief a probability appeared again.
Probabilities of that person Dying Today: 0%
I can clearly remember how I hesitated first to give him the handkerchief which was the only thing Makino gave to me before he disappeared but in the end, I still gave the handkerchief thinking that maybe it was meant for him to have it.
After a few days, I went to the same convenience store to buy a sandwich and when I was about to go out, the rain started to pour and good thing, I brought my umbrella with me.
I opened it and continued my way back to my clinic when I heard someone calling for me.
Without hesitation, I looked back and saw that it was the same guy whom I saved from dying.
When I looked at his eyes, my heart started beating wildly again and when he started speaking to me, I feel like a strange sense of deja vu.
The way he approached me and asked my name, the way how eager he wanted to be my friend, an old memory flashed before my eyes.
After a few months of knowing him and being happy together as friends, I temporarily forgotten the way my heart react to him as I started to get used to being around him but one day, when he suddenly confessed his feelings for me, everything came back to me.
“Yuki.”
“Welcome back Yuki.”
“I’ll be waiting Yuki.”
“Yuki, I’m sorry.”
“Yuki, I have something to tell you-“
I stood still as I watched Kazuya walk away flustered after our first date leaving me with a strange feeling that night making me feel like having a huge lump in my throat.
The shadows that covers Makino’s face everytime I tried to remember him, his affectionate way of calling me Yuki, everything came flooding back to me as I finally gathered all the puzzle pieces of our story.
After realizing that Kazuya resembles Makino in many ways, I started to think of the probabilities of them being related.
I thought that it will be easy for me to know that Kazuya maybe realted to Makino but as we spent our days together, the loneliness I felt back then lingers on my mind. I grew afraid each day of the possibility of what if Kazuya suddenly disappear just like how Makino did.
And now that everything is out, I know it will be something hard to accept between me and Kazuya. I know that he will be hurt more than me and I hate myself for always making him feel bad.
My hands were still trembling as I sat inside my car and started the engine after dashing out of the orphanage. I still can’t face Kazuya because I don’t how can I explain everything to him.
“Yuki! Naoyuki! Wait for me!” I heard someone shouting from afar but I just ignored it and started the engine and started driving.
“Wait! Let us talk first!” Kazuya suddenly jumped in front of the car and fortunately I stepped the brake on time before I hit him.
“What are you doing?! Do you want to die?!” I pulled out from the car and march towards him.
“I just want to talk to you and make everything clear between us.” He said to me sounding so desperate.
“Fine. Let’s talk while we head back to the city.” I walked back inside the car without even looking at him directly.
We both remain silent as I started driving until he finally started asking.
“Yuki, is it really true that I am the missing child of Amemori-san?”
Why does he have to ask the most sensitive question first?
I took a deep breath before I completely tell him everything up to the last detail about how I saw him when he was a baby.
“So you knew all along? So you realized it from the very beginning but you just didn’t admitted it to yourself?”
“Yes, but No…. that’s not a point here.”
We both keep quiet for a while until we are almost halfway back to the city and he speaks to me again.
“Yuki….please tell me.” he looked at me and I can see from the corner of my eyes that he is starting to cry. “from the start of our relationship, did you see me as me as the person named Kazuya, or that person named Makinohana?”
“Kazuya, I admit that the reason why I came for you the first time was because I unconsciously sees you as him but I assure you that I love you for who you are and not because of your resemblance to him.”
“Then why are running away since you started to realize everything?”
“Because… I-“
“Yuki, please stop the car. I’m getting off.”
“Kazuya, No. Please stop misunderstanding things here. You know and I know that I really like you. I didn’t even compare you to anyone not even Makino so please stop thinking that I just fall for you because of that. I never thought of you as a replacement for anyone, it is just that… that it hurts me to think that our relationship will eventually change when the truth came out.” I stopped the car at the side of the road so that I can face him directly.
“But I’m hurt too you know. It’s painful to learn that you have never loved me fully because all this time, he is always there in your heart.” I can clearly feel the pain in his voice as it trembles.
“I’m sorry Kazuya. I’m sorry, I am just afraid to hurt you if I ever tell you about Makino. I thought that I can let go of everything without you getting involved but after having the proof that you are really part of this mess, I can no longer think of what to do so I just resort to being a coward and run away from everything including you.” My tears started to drop too.
“Yuki, I will never think of ever changing my way of loving you no matter what past you have with him so please stop running away.”
“I know. I’m sorry for not trusting you, I’m sorry for always making you sad. I’m sorry for everything. I am just afraid that I will be left again. I–” my words are cut off when he suddenly pulled me closer and kiss my lips.
His warm lips meet mine as we both closed our eyes. I can still feel his tears meeting mine as we hold each other closer.
After the kiss, he hugged me so tightly and whispered to me, “You don’t have to afraid anymore. I will never leave your side no matter what even if the whole world turns against us.”
“I love you so much Kazuya, never forget that you mean so much to me so can we go back to the way we used to be? Can I be your lover again?” I said as I hug him tightly.
“Yes. Of course. I should be the one asking that.. Naoyuki, I love you.” He kissed me again but it was more intense this time.
“Yuki, can we… do.. it… tonight?” His face is burning red as he ask me something after our second kiss.
“Do what?”
“You know… something that only lovers do….”
“….” I just stared at him as I am still processing his words.
“Can we…. sleep… together tonight??”
My head started spinning as soon as everything sinked in to me.
So he wants to do that? But wait… how can we do that if both of us are inexperienced?
I know that he was straight in the beginning so I expect that he have zero knowledge about doing it with a guy so I expect that he knows nothing. Is he expecting me to lead the way? But I have to admit that even I have no knowledge of that so how can we even do it?
And the most important question now is who will be the top and the bottom?
Author’s Note:
✧(>o<)ノ✧
Sorry for the late update and thanks for waiting.
So what do you think will happen next chapter??? ─=≡Σ(╯°□°)╯︵┻┻
Song Recommendation for this chapter:
Rain Stops, Goodbye