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Man Of Probabilities - Chapter 64
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Arakata Hisashi’s POV
DECEMBER 24
After Miyoshi confessed his feelings towards me, I started
assessing my own feelings and during all those times, he intentionally withdraws
himself away from me. He continued to attend my classes but unlike before, he
acted as if nothing happened between us.
I wanted to talk to him a number of times but everytime that
I am just a few steps away from him, I stop myself. I’ve been holding back
because I feel scared, scared of making reckless decision and just making our
situation more complicated.
I can longer look into Miyoshi as a simple student like
everyone else and that scares me. Our teacher-student relationship that was
supposed to be a boundary, a clear line that separates us has been deliberately
crossed by the two of us and I know that it is my entire fault from the very
beginning.
Autumn season changed into winter but I am still scared to
talk to him. Maybe it is better to leave it this way. Maybe I can just let
everything between us be forgotten considering the fact that it is just a few months
away before he graduates.
But is it really okay for me?
I stared at his photo that I have taken while he was riding
the carousel in the amusement park that was saved in my phone. Do I have the
guts to take away this kind of smile from him? When did I start to care? He was
supposed to be just like any other students but why do I feel like he is more
important that anyone? When did I ever decide to prioritize his feelings over
anyone?
The tickling sensation that I felt everytime we were
together and the hoard of butterflies in my stomach that goes wild everytime I
see him smile, I wonder when did I started reacting like this?
“Arakata-san, what’s up with the long face? Did your
girlfriend break up with you?” I almost throw my phone away when my co-teacher
who is seating beside me asked.
I almost forget that I am in the middle of our Christmas
party as my thoughts keep coming back to Miyoshi.
“No, I already told you that I don’t have a girlfriend. I
think I am just getting a little drunk.”
“Are you sure? The last time I saw you in a drinking party,
you got a pretty high tolerance and as what I can see now, you just drink two
glasses of beer.”
“Yes, yes. You should drink more Arakata-san. Drink all your
problems away!”
“Drink up! Drink up!”
Everyone keeps swarming around me as they continue pouring
drinks into my glass until I started to feel tipsy. I wanted to bail out
immediately before I get completely wasted but I can’t think of any excuses
without sounding rude to my co-workers and so I just sit down silently trying
to hold into my soberness.
“I’m sorry everyone, but Arakata-san and I have to go now.”
Sakaguchi-san suddenly stood from her seat on the other side of the table with
her face all red that looks like she is already drunk.
“Eh? Why? Are you going on a date after this?” a female
teacher next t her asks.
“No! No! Stop! Wait! My students invited us to their party
and I already promised to them that I will bring Arakata-san with me so I think
we should go now before their party is over.” She wobbly walks towards my seat
and grabs my left arm. “Come on. We should go now.”
I badly wanted to leave this party but I don’t want to go to
another one as an excuse. I wanted to run away as soon we step out but I feel
bad if I just leave Sakaguchi-san alone especially when she looks like she is
about to collapse anywhere.
“Sakaguchi-san, I think you should sober up a little before
going to the students.” I let her seat into a bench before going into a vending
machine to get two coffees for us.
“Here, drinks it to let you sober a little.”
“Thanks.”
“…” We both stayed silent for a while as we drink the warm
coffee under the cold winter sky.
“You see, Arakata-san, I’ve been thinking about this for a
while but I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
“What is it? I’m willing to listen.”
“How can you tell if you are in love with someone? I’ve been
asking myself this question lately.” I almost spilled the coffee when she asked
that questions.
“Sakaguchi-san are you interested in someone right now?”
“Well, I actually don’t know. It is just that well, let’s
say that my friend suddenly confessed to me and now I have mixed feelings
towards him.”
“Did you already answer his confession?”
“No, I told him to give a little more time to think so here
I am trying to figure out if I should accept him or not.”
“Do you like him? I mean not as a friend but as a love
interest.”
“Arakata-san, how can you tell if you are in love with
someone?”
“I think… when that person started appearing in your
thoughts and it makes your heart beats faster and it makes you breathless
everytime you see them smile, someone who you like to keep making memories
together and someone that you don’t ever want to see hurting because of you.”
As I keep saying random things, Miyoshi’s face keep showing up in my memories.
“I see. It feels like you are in love with someone
Arakata-san.”
“Huh? Ahh- no, I’m not- I’m—“
“It’s okay, I am just teasing you. But seriously, based on
what you said\, maybe I am in love too with my friend but…” *sigh* “But I’m
afraid of the future. What if things don’t work out between us and we just end
up breaking up? Is it really worth it to throw our long-term friendship to
build a romantic relationship?”
“I understand your fear, but sacrifices are always part of
loving someone. Besides, you already know each other well so I think that it
will work out well between the two of you. You just have to believe.”
“Thank you. I understand now.” Sometimes, it is really fun talking
about serious stuffs with a drunk person.
“Good luck with your love life.” I said as I finish drinking
my coffee.
“Good luck with yours too.” She smiled and stands up. “We
should go now.”
Eh? What was that for? Did I accidentally tell her that I am
in the same situation as her? Nope, I think not. I am just being paranoid,
that’s all. I have to keep myself calm and collected now. I don’t want to let
those kids see me flustered and acting like this anymore.
We walk for a few minutes into the busy streets until we
reached the Karaoke bar.
“Ah, Sakaguchi-san, I have to go now. Enjoy the rest of the
night-“ I am preparing to make a run for home but I didn’t expect that dealing
with a semi-drunk Sakaguchi-san is a little troublesome.
“Where do you think you are going Arakata-san? Haven’t I
told you that you are highly requested by my students?” She tightly grabbed me
by the collar of my shirt and started marching inside the place until we found
the room that the students rented for their party.
She finally let go of me when she knocks on the door and
energetically enter the room. “Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are having
fun tonight, I came here to give you all a small present and just like I
promised, I also invited Arakata-san.”
“Really? He will actually join us? Woahhh this is exciting!”
I can hear the kids become noisy all at once after she mentioned my name. Hah!
I can’t believe that those brats really like me that much.
“Arakata-san come in, we should get this party started.”
Sakaguchi-san pulled me inside.
Ughh, this is too troublesome. I just hope that nobody will
notice us being drunk or else they might get some funny idea of taking
advantage of us. I slowly walks inside while making sure that I am walking
straight and not acting like a drunk man.
“I can’t believe that I can get to see you today sensei.”
Yes, I also can’t believe to see you damn brats today.
“You look so cool in casual clothes.” Huh? What do you think
of me, a person who only have working clothes to wear?
“I just came here to make sure that you will not cause
trouble to anyone especially to Sakaguchi-san because you are a bunch of
troublemakers.” I search for a comfortable place at the corner of the room to
sit.
“Eh, I thought that we can at least hear you sing a song.”
Not in a million years.
“Right. We want to hear you sing.” Nope, in your dreams damn
it.
“Sensei please sing a song for us!” Why do you keep bugging
me?
“No, I won’t do that.” I finally said as I glare at them.
“Then what if Sakaguchi-sensei sings for us? Will you go
sing after her?” Oh shit.
“Huh? As if Sakaguchi-san will agree with that. Even if you
make us drunk, I won’t ever sing in front of you.” Oh please, please don’t give
me a version of Sakaguchi-san who loves to sing when drunk.
“Then make a bet with us. If Sakaguchi-san sings, then you
have to sing too.”
“What kind of dumb bet is that? I will neve-“ I turn my head
around the room to look at the eager faces of these brats before destroying
their dreams when I suddenly spotted Miyoshi sitting at the far left corner of
the room and he is making an expression that looks like he will cry if he
cannot hear me sing. “Fine. But only if Sakaguchi-san sing a full song of an
idol group while dancing.” Ahhh! And now I have done it! I have never imagine
that I will make a dumb bet with these kids. But I am still hoping that
Sakaguchi-san is sane enough to back away from the idea of her singing and
dancing in front of these kids.
“What?! How can I-“ Sakaguchi-san started getting red when
all the students started forming a circle around her to plead.
Good! That is the best reaction that I am expecting from
her. I guess a drunk Sakaguchi-san is still the same shy teacher I know.
“Sensei please?”
“You can do that sensei right?”
“I know that you can Sakaguchi-sensei.”
“We are willing to be your backup dancers!” As if she will
bite that kind of crappy offer.
“We promise to behave until the end of school year.” Oh
crap! Why do you have to offer such tempting deal with your desperate homeroom
teacher? When did these kids started using their brain like that? Such a clever
move coming from their class representative.
“You promised that! You have to keep your words!” I wanted
to slam my face into the wall when Sakaguchi-san actually took the bait. Now I
wonder if she is just doing it because she is drunk or she is purely an idiot
who really wants to have a behave students.
“Yes we promise!” Everyone answered in synchronized voice.
Oh wow, now they are acting like an organized class full of
intellectual people.
*sigh* I cannot really stop myself from throwing mean
comments from the moment I stepped inside this goddamn children’s party.
“Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a minute! Sakaguchi-san what is wrong
with you? Are you betraying me for these brats?” I stand as I try to pull the
song book away from her.
“I’m sorry
Arakata-san but their offer is too irresistible.” She answered with full of
seriousness even though I can see thoroughly that it was her drunk side that is
making do this rash decision.
“What the heck.” I let go of the song book and sit back to
my place.
“Fufufufu. Sensei, I think you should prepare now for your
performance after Sakaguchi-san.” How dare you brat to tease me like that?
“Ah damn it. You really are a bunch of brats.” In the end, I
lose the bet and it is kind of annoying. Luckily I found a bowl of nuts in
front of me and so I decided to just chew on it to release my stress.
After a few more minutes, Sakaguchi-san finally stands up
and walks in the front while holding the microphone and everyone’s attention
all focused to her.
“Ha! You can still back out Sakaguchi-san!!! Please go back
here.” I tried to persuade her one last time hoping that the shy Sakaguchi-san
will be summoned back but I failed again.
“Ehhem…. Everyone please be quiet!” tssk.. These kids
really. I just shut my mouth and resume eating the bowl of nuts in my seat.
…
‘FUTARI SAISON by
Keyakizaka46’ flashed into the screen as the music starts to play…
“~We are a season…
We are a season… Falling in love in spring and summer… We are season… We
separate in autumn and winter, the season we’ve spent together… You don’t
regret them, do you?~”
Oh not bad. Is it safe to assume that Sakaguchi-san is
actually an avid fan of idol groups and secretly sings and dance whenever
nobody is looking? Hahaha. The way she sing and dance around feels like she got
all the moves memorized beforehand. I should ask a video recording from that
kid who is recording later to let Sakaguchi-san watch herself when we go back
to work.
I leisurely watch the spectacle in front of me while still
eating the random bowl of nuts. This is what I actually looks like when I am in
my home while I laze around and eat snacks in front of my television. Ahhh, I
suddenly miss lying on my couch…. I want to go home now and spend the rest of
the holiday alone…
“~Even though there was some fragrance in the
wind that blew through the city… I had neither the time nor the interest to
look back… My own world spread within an invisible barrier of a radius of 1
meter…But you took someone like me out, what made you do that? Momentary
lights overlap and occasionally colors make the four seasons… If one of them
is missing, eternity won’t be born~ “
The moment I started dwelling into the lyrics instead of
focusing on Sakaguchi-san’s dance performance, my heart flutters and I
unconsciously search for Miyoshi in the room. He is still there, awkwardly sitting
in the corner but I am glad to see him today enjoying an event with his
classmates like a normal kid that he really should be.
I never expected him to actually show up here so I feel a
little off guard when I first saw him a while ago but now that I look at him, I
can’t help but smile.
‘…when that person
started appearing in your thoughts and it makes your heart beats faster…’
‘…makes you breathless everytime you see
them smile…’
‘…someone who you like to keep making
memories together…’
‘…and someone that
you don’t ever want to see hurting because of you…’
Why do my own words came back to bite me now? Am I really in
love with him? As my thoughts keep getting wild, I didn’t notice that I am
staring at Miyoshi the whole time. I just noticed it when he glance back and
forth at me with his face as red as a tomato.
“~Appearing before me… You are a season…
You are a season… You light up my days … Falling in love in spring and
summer… We are season… We are season… We separate in autumn and winter…
The first time I felt my heart throb… Memories are a calendar… We are
season… Haa~”
“Encore! Encore!” Everyone
make fuzz when the song performance is over and I am actually part of those who
are shouting encore just to delay my own doom. Another song from her will at
least delay my own performance.
“No, I only agreed to finish one song, and besides I am not
the main event of this party. Now I present you Arakata-sensei!” Sakaguchi
walks towards me and handed down the microphone that will absolutely ruin my
career now.
“Sensei do you need help in choosing your song? Want us to
pick one for you?” And now it is my time to be surrounded by eager kids.
“I want to hear him sing an idol song too.” Seriously? Who
would actually imagine me while dancing and singing energetically on stage? Not
even in my wildest dreams did I ever think about that.
“No, I want to hear him a sweet love song, kyaaa.”
“Eh? But isn’t rock more suitable for him?” Why can’t
everyone stop mixing me up to the image of being wild and into rock music?
“….” everyone turns silent without even making the
slightest noise when I take the song book and started browsing for a while into
the less viewed pages and finally walk in front to start my unexpected
performance.
‘HEY by Paul Kim’ flashed into the screen
as the music starts to play…
Just think of this memory as part of my drunken embarrassing
moments of the year… even though I know that I am completely sober at this
moment.
“~Hey, I know it’s
late but I have something I have to tell you… If you’re still there, wanna
hear me out for a moment?~”
It’s been a long time since I actually sing but my voice and
tone turned out fine when I started singing again.
“~You knocked and
knocked but why didn’t I know? You sat in front of my closed heart and you
waited… I’m not okay at all right now. I’m afraid I’ll lose you…My eyes
that looked at you, my lips that smiled when I thought of you. I was all
love.~”
With all the stares I am receiving, I locked my gaze into
Miyoshi and as if it was all natural to me, I continue singing the song while
bringing out the lyrics sincerely as if I am directly saying it.
“~You know, it seems so easy, but when I do
it, it becomes a different story. I barely figured out my feelings and it’s
still really hard for me… But I really wanna do it…date you… Actually, it
really bothers me. Everything about you catches my eye.~”
Miyoshi, I really like how brave you are. After all the
things that you have been through, you continued moving forward and gave me a
whole new vision of what love is. You always make me smile and forget all my
worries whenever we are together. And during the whole time that I cannot reach
you, I felt the emptiness in my heart that you have been filling in the whole
time.
Maybe there are really no words to describe how to know when
you are really in love, but for me, maybe the answer is you; It was you all
along.
“~I’m curious. What do
you think? Hurry and answer… What do you think? I’m confessing to you right
now… I love you.~”
“Kyahhhhh!” I am very thankfull that there are too many colored
lights around that help me to hide the fact that I am really red as a tomato
after finishing the song while looking at Miyoshi the whole time.
“Ahhhhh! Sensei why
didn’t you tell us that you have such a lovely voice?”
“Will you consider changing career? I will be the president of
your fan club if you ever become a famous singer.”
“Sensei! Please perform in our school on our graduation
day!”
Everyone started bombarding me with questions like a hoard
of fan girls released from the depths of hell because I was almost squeezed as
they surround me.
I look around the room to see if Miyoshi is still in his
seat but as expected, he ran away.
“Excuse me but I really have to go now. Bye!” I crawled my
way out of the crowd and started looking for Miyoshi outside.
The snow started falling again when I step out to search for
him. And because of the snows that are already accumulating on the road, I can
clearly see some footprints left everywhere. I blindly followed a set of
footprints without any particular reason until I finally saw his familiar back
from a distance after going after the footprints that were actually belonged to
him.
After a long time of acting like a coward, I call out his
name without any hesitation.
“Miyoshi! Miyoshi-kun!” It seems like his mind is into
something else because he is not even reacting to my voice after calling him
twice.
“Miyoshi-kun! Odagiri Miyoshi!” Finally he turned around and
saw me.
“Can we talk for a while? You keep avoiding me since that
day so please listen to me now.” I walk closer and I thought that he will start
running away again like he always to do but instead, he just stand stiff as if
his feet was frozen to the ground.
“Miyoshi I will only say this once so listen up.” I hold his
shoulders firmly and leaned closer to his ear. “Miyoshi, I like you too.”
“…” His eyes started to get teary when I pulled myself
away from his ears.
“Hey why are you crying?”
“Sensei, I didn’t hear it wrong right? Please tell me that I
am not dreaming right now.”
“No, you heard everything precisely but I will not repeat it
anymore. This is reality Miyoshi.”
*sniff**sniff* “Arakata-san\, I’m- I’m so happy and I cannot
still believe it. Do you know how wild my heart pounds the moment I saw you
enter the room earlier? And when I caught you staring at me during Sakaguchi-sensei’s
performance? I almost fainted when you started singing in front of us with such
romantic song. I won’t be surprise anymore if I find out that I acquired a heart
problem because of all the things you did today.”
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry about that. But I’m glad, I am happy
that I can still make your heart flutter like that.” *I made a sigh of relief*
“I was anxious too, I was afraid that you will lose interest in me when we
started avoiding each other.”
“Have you forgotten about my confession to you? Didn’t I
tell you that I won’t ever take back my words and always remember that there is
an Odagiri Miyoshi who is in love with you no matter what?”
“Oh, yes I remember that line.” My face begins heating up
and I feel a little shy to let him see my flustered face and so I swiftly
leaned down again and hug him. “Miyoshi, don’t even try to run and hide away
from ever again.”
“….”
“…”
We just hug each other for a few more minutes and
thankfully, we are in a dark alley where nobody can see.
“Sensei, are we officially dating now?” he asks as soon as
we let go of each other.
“Oh about that… Miyoshi I have to ask you this important
question before anything else.”
“What is it?”
“Are you willing to wait?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I won’t date you until you graduate from High school.”
“What? But why? I thought that you like me and I also like
you more than anything.”
“Err… well, I have thought about this for a long time and
from what I see, isn’t it better if you could finish high school first? And it
is kind of risky to be in a relationship with me while you are studying? I am
just being considerate to your dream to finally graduate school like a normal
student without going through any issues and I believe that you have to focus
in your study first. I just saw your grades the other day and it looks like it
was declining nowadays.” Yes, I know I messed up in explaining all my points
here.
“So do you mean, I have to wait until then?”
“Yes, we have to wait and after that, I will ask you again
to officially date me.”
His eyes widened and it cannot even contain his happiness
after hearing my conditions.
“Okay, I understand! I will do my best to graduate without
falling any exams anymore!”
“Yes, I will wait for you.”I unconsciously pat his head
because he is really cute right now.
I wonder if I can really resist not dating this cute kid I
have found in a chaotic world of damn brats for the next three months….
“Arakata-san are you aware that you are smiling too much
right now? Hahaha, it is kind of cute but it is really a whole new view for
me.”
“Oh, am I? That is because you are here with me.”
“Then please don’t ever smile like that to anybody or else I
will get a long line of competitors.”
“Hahaha, don’t worry about that. Your confession is the only
thing that matters to me and I can only smile like this when I am with you.”
“Ahh, please stop attacking me with that hidden sweet side
of yours.” He tries to reach out into my face to cover my smile all directed to
him as if it was a blinding light.
“Okay, I’ll stop for now, but be prepared when we I
officially becomes your boyfriend.” I once again pat his head and start to mess
up his hair.
“Hey, stop it hahaha.” He grabs my hand to stop me but he
paused mid air while still holding my hand.
“Why are you being shy all of a sudden? You are not acting
like this before.”
“Well, it is my first time to hold your hand so I feel a
little flustered.”
“Pfftttt… you are really cute, Miyoshi.”
“Hey, stop laughing.” He let go of my hand but I grab it
back.
“Let us hold hand more often from now on.” I smiled at him
as I tighten holding his hand.
“Arakata-san, can I spend the rest of the Christmas day together
in your home?” he sheepishly asked.
“Of course. But before we go, let’s buy a cake first.”
“But I don’t like cakes.”
“Then I will have the cake all to myself and will just buy
the snacks that you like on our way, just tell me what is your favorite food.”
“I like hamburger.”
“Then I will you buy as many hamburgers as you want.”
“Sounds good to me.” It feels like he really likes
hamburgers so much.
“Then let’s go.” I suddenly pulled his hand that I am
holding and shoved it inside the wide pocket of my winter coat.
“Are you sure you want to hold hands like this while we walk
on the streets?”
“It is okay, trust me. Nobody will even notice us.”
“Okay.” He squeezed back my hand inside my warm pocket and
smiles at me.
“Your smile is really the best.” I kissed his red cheeks for
a matter of seconds and then started walking as if nothing happened.
“Arakata-san… let me kiss you too.”
“No.”
“Eh… but that’s unfair, you didn’t even let me kiss you
back.”
“That is just a payback for the forehead kiss you gave me a
long time ago.”
“Then kiss me on the lips.” He started pouting like a duck
while trying to reach my face.
“You promised to wait. I will not make a move on you until
we are officially dating.” I kissed my index finger before brushing it to his
cute pouting lips. “This will do for now.” I wink at him trying to look just
for a record.
He chuckled softly. “Okay, fine. I won’t demand anything
else but can I hear you sing again later?”
“Huh? What song do you want to hear?”
“A rock song or maybe a song from an all male idol group.”
“Don’t tell me that you are also imagining me performing
those songs a while ago?”
“Hahaha, well I just imagine it once and it really suites
your image.”
“No, I’m not going to sing those type of songs. Another love
song will do something that will make your heart scream again.”
“Eh, but I want to see you as a rock star.”
“Impossible. I will never do that.”
“Please~”
We continued enjoying our time walking on the streets with
our hands intertwined together without a care of the people around us. Maybe
someday, a time will come when we can openly hold our hands without trying to
hide it anymore, but for now, what we have now is enough as long as we have
each other.
There might be more struggles and pain that will come into
my life, but I believe that after finally giving my chance to love again, I
successfully acquired a new strength and courage to move forward and its name
is ‘Miyoshi’.
The beginning of our story may not be as good as other’s
fated encounter, but as we discovered each others’ past and present struggles,
we eventually got pulled and tangled with our strange feelings and now that we
both understand it more, we found the sweetest solution to everything and that
is love.